BELFAST SET FAIR FOR NO VENUES
It has been a great week for Not The Arts Council. With the closure of the Ormeau Baths Gallery, we are getting closer to our aim of zero venues for the city of Belfast by 2007. Of course, this is not going to be easy to achieve and we need your help to make this a reality. If you run a venue in Belfast (and we know this is a very small appeal to start with) can you please make a mistake in your Lottery monitoring so that we can come down on you like a ton of bricks. We are doing our bit to make this easier for you by working to make the monitoring harder for you. Recently we have added the annual monitoring returns just in case you can't be bothered to cock up your Lottery returns.
As stated in our Annual Report, we plan to close the Lyric Theatre in response to their refusal to go down to the Talbot Street arts centre (the entry can be found under the heading Remember the OBG). So far, we have made great strides through the persistent harassment of this organisation, but this has not proved sufficient. We are currently busy devising new monitoring guidelines for producing venues based in Ridgeway Street. These guidelines will be applied fairly and equitably across all venues based in the Ridgeway Street area. Of course any oversights on the part of venues based in this area will be punishable by death, or at the very least immediate closure.
If all goes according to plan, we will see the demise of Belfast venues within 18 months. The result will be the freeing up of more than half a million pounds a year which can be wisely invested in a strategic investment in more staff for Not The Arts Council and a whopping great fee for an eminent consultancy firm to investigate the possible options for opening a new arts centre for Belfast. It is anticipated that it will be at least six years before any arts centre would actually be built and the hope is that the arts in Belfast will have effectively died out with a year on year saving of around £4million, which will be music to the ears of our New Labour Overlords.
Not The Arts Council apologises for any images on this page, which may give the impression that we think that the visual arts has any role to play in our society.
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